


Don't Feed the Plant

by Brambleshadow_of_WindClan



Category: Little Shop of Horrors (1986), NCIS
Genre: Dark Comedy, Gen, Musical
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-08-17
Updated: 2011-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brambleshadow_of_WindClan/pseuds/Brambleshadow_of_WindClan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when McGee brings in a plant that has a...particular diet? And who are the three mysterious chicks who keep popping up? Read and find out. Slight McAbby. Please R&R. Plotline is Howard Ashman's.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tony DiNozzo looked up from a report he was working on to see that McGee had a strange-looking plant on his desk. Gibbs, coming down from a meeting with Director Sheperd, saw the plant and said, "McGee, what is _that_?"

"Uh?" McGee looked up, confusion written all over his face, then his expression cleared. "Oh, the plant. Apparently it's a new breed called an--"

"--Audrey Two," Tony finished for him.

"Well, yeah. How'd you know, Tony?"

Ziva David, the final member of the team said, "Don't tell us--a movie."

Tony ignored her. "McGeek, have you figured out what it eats yet?"

"Uh, no."

"Good. If you do, don't tell the rest of us."

"Better qustion," Ziva broke in, "is: where did you get it?"

"I found it outside my apartment this morning before I left to come here."

 _And you don't find that strange at all?_ Tony thought. Gibbs voiced his thought. "Oh, yeah. That doesn't soud strange at all," he said sarcastically. "Everyone, get home. It's getting late."

"Gibbs, it's only eight-thirty!" Ziva protested.

"You got a problem with that, Ziva?"

The former Mossad officer promptly shut up.

"Still, everyone leave soon."

"Sure, Boss," DiNozzo and McGee said in unison.

~*~*~*~

Later that night, McGee was working on his next book. The, er, Audrey Two, sitting near his desk, wasn't doing so well. For some reason, it kept wilting. He'd tried everyting, but it wouldn't grow.

Shuffling the papers on his desk, he accidently slit his finger on a corner that was sticking out. Audrey Two, smelling the blood, opened up. . . .


	2. Chapter 2

McGee turned and saw the plant had opened up. "Huh. What made you do that?" He grabbed a cup of water and held it over the plant. It immediately snapped shut. "Hmm." McGeek tried again, this time with some plant food. Audrey II turned away. Then he looked at the paper cut. "Well..." He held the finger over the plant's maw. It righted itself and reached hungrily for the . . . blood.

It started sucking when-- "Hey!"

An angry voice made him turn. There were three young women wearing secondhand clothes standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed, staring at him.

Starteld, McGee grabbed for his SIG, but it wasn't there. The one in the middle held it up. "Looking for this?"

"Just give it to him, Chiffon," the brunette on the left of Chiffon said.

"But Ronette--"

"Don't argue. Just do it!" the one on Chiffon's right snapped.

"Okay, Crystal. Fine." Chiffon sighed, reluctantly handing the SIG over.

"Uh, who are you?" McGee asked.

"That doesn't really matter," Crystal said.

"Okay, then. What are you doing here?"

Ronette answered, "Just shut up and listen."

Crystal began, "About that plant there--"

"Oh, let's just give him the DVD!" Chiffon snapped. "I'm tired of having to explaining it to every person we meet who has an Audrey II."

"But I like singing the last one," Ronette said.

"We don't have to sing all of it, you know," Crystal said. "Just so he gets the message."

"OK. Let's do it," Chiffon sighed.

 _"Subsequent to the events you have just witnessed  
Unsuspecting jerks from Maine to California  
Made the acquaintance of a new breed of flytrap  
And got sweet talked into feeding it blood . . ._

 _Thus the plants worked their terrible will  
Finding jerks who would feed them their fill  
And the plants proceeded to grow...  
and grow . . .  
and to do what they came here to do  
Which was essentially to  
Eat Cleveland  
And Des Moines  
And Peoria  
And New York!"_

Crystal sang, _"They may offer you fortune and fame"_

Ronette: _"Love and money and instant aclaim"_

Chiffon: _"But whatever they offer you don't feed the plants!"_

Then again.

 _"They may offer you lots of cheap thrills"_

 _"Fancy condos in Beverly Hills"_

 _"But whatever they offer you don't feed the plants!"_

Crystal stopped first. "I think you get the message. Don't feed that plant."

"It's a bit late for that," McGee said, feeling uncomfortable.

"Well, see ya!" they said.

Ronette snapped her fingers and all three of them disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song in this one is "Don't Feed the Plants" from LSOH. I kinda like the way this one turned out. It basically wrote itself.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days later, McGee walked over to his desk and settled down behind it. He had been feeding the plant every night, and was feeling a bit lightheaded. The rest of the team was already there, following up on evidence from a new case.

"McGee." Gibbs's voice broke into his thoughts about what had happened three days ago.

"Yes, Boss?"

"Get down to Abby's lab. She needs help down there."

"No, I don't Gibbs." Abby appeared, sporting her usual black clothes, white lab coat, choker, and a black eye. To add to the black eye, she had a broken arm in a cast.

"What'd ya got, Abbs?" Gibbs asked automatically without looking at her.

"Uh, well, nothing. Well, I mean that I don't need help. I can do this by myself--"

Gibbs cut her babbling short. "Get to the point, Abbs."

"I don't need help," she said firmly.

Then McGee and Gibbs noticed the black eye.

"How'd you get the black eye?" McGee asked.

"Wow, McGee," Ziva interjected. "Tactless much?" **(Sorry. I think I have T*Witches on the brain!)**

"Come again?" Tony said to the former Mossad officer.

"Forget I said anything."

"Better question," Tony said, "is how did you get the broken arm?"

Gibbs got them back on track with, "It's your new boyfriend, isn't it?"

"Oh, uh, no. I got this from being hit with a ball. You know - small, rubber, bouncy."

"Uh huh. And it hit you right in the eye and hard on the arm." Gibbs had a disbelieving tone in his voice and on his face.

"Yep!" Abby said brightly. "Well, I got the broken arm from slipping outside on the sidewalk. Now, can I get back to my lab?"

Gibbs sighed. "You might as well. Even though you don't have anything for me," he added pointedly.

"But I will! Now, where's my Caf-Pow?"

"You'll get it when you've earned it."

"Fine!"

Before she walked not more than three steps in the direction of the elevator: "Abby."

She turned. "Yeah?"

"What kind of scientist wears a black leather jacket and rides a motorcycle?"

"One who's my type."

"In other words," Ziva said, "he's a rebel."

"Did anyone ask you, Agent David?"

"No." She turned back to her computer.

When Abby had left, Gibbs started muttering under his breath about sadistic scientists.

~*~*~*~

Later, outside Abby's lab, a good-looking guy with short black hair, a black jacket and a black T-shirt with a skull-and-crossbones on it was lounging against the wall. He had come through the bullpen and spotted the plant. "Huh, nice plant," he'd said to himself.

McGee had noticed him. "Who are you?"

"That's none of your business. That your plant?"

McGee looked a bit taken aback. "Yeah," he had said warily. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing. It just looks really cool. Some sort of flytrap hybrid, I'd guess. Anyway, do you know where Abby Scuito is?"

"In her lab. Just take the elevator down and -"

"I know where it is." With that, he made his way to the lab, where he was now lounging outside on the wall.

Then Chiffon, Crystal, and Ronette appeared. "Sorry, but if you're here to see the plant, you'll have to go upstairs," Chiffon said.

"Sorry, girls, but I'm here to pick up my date."

"Your date?" Ronette asked.

"She wouldn't happen to have a black eye and several other medical problems?" Crystal added, doing the head thing on the last part.

"As a matter of fact, yes."

"That's him, girls! Get him!" Chiffon exclaimed. The three of them immediately started throwing punches.

"Hey, hold up!" he exclaimed, throwing his hands up in a defensive position.

They halted their attack.

Just then, the door to Abby's lab swung open. The NCIS forensic scientist asked, "What's going on here, Jake?"

"Nothing," he said smoothly. "Just some troublesome teens. Now, you got the handcuffs?"

Abby looked indigant, but she said, "They're in my bag."

"Good." He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her outside to where his motorcycle was waiting.

~*~*~*~

McGee watched them leave from his desk, feeling a brief wave of anger. He had never seen Abby act like that, being ordered around and meekly carrying them out. Of course, he had no idea of knowing that she hated being treated like that - she didn't show it.

Soon, he was the only one left in the office-well, the only human anyway. Audrey II was still there, of course.

"Probie" was still thinking about Abby. He was startled out of his reverie by a loud voice saying, "Feed me!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Feed me!" the voice came again. McGee, startled, looked around. No one was there, but still, it could be Tony playing a joke.

"Very funny, Tony!" he called.

There was no reply, except . . .

"No, it ain't Tony!"

Incredulously, McGee looked at the plant near his desk. "You talk?"

"Yeah," Audrey Two replied. "You want to make something of it?"

"No," McGee said quickly. "It's just . . . you opened up your trap . . . your thing, and said . . ."

"Feed me!" the plant demanded again.

"But I can't!" McGee cried. "My hands have bandages, in case you hadn't noticed. What do you want me to do - slit my wrists?"

Audrey Two lolled its head towards him, its tongue hanging out. "Yeah!"

Hopefully, McGee added, "I can always go and get you a steak."

He could tell the plant was considering it. Finally, it replied, "No. It must be blood. It must be fresh." Timothy felt queasy. He looked away and said, "I don't want to hear this!"

"Come on, man! You write murder mysteries and you're a federal agent, for crying out loud!"

Then, of course, the plant began singing.

 _"Feed me. Feed me. Feed me!  
Feed me, McGee  
Feed me all night long_

"That's right boy!

 _"You can do it . . ._

 _Feed me, Timmy  
Feed me all night long  
'Cause if you feed me, Timothy  
I can grow up, big and strong"_

 _How does this plant know my name?_

 _"Aw, come on!" Audrey II said._

 _"What do you want me to do--go around killing people? Gibbs would kill me if he found out!"_

 _"I can make it worth your while," Audrey Two said, rubbing two vines together craftily._

 _"I mean, let's face it: You're a plant, an inanimate object!"_

 _Audrey Two reached out a vine and pulled McGee's chair closer. " _Does_ this look inanimate to you, _punk_? If I can talk, and I can move, then who's to say I can't do anything I want?"_

"Like what?" McGee asked cautiously.

"Like deliverin', pal," Audrey II answered. "Ow! Like seeing you get EVERYthing your secret greasy heart desires!" He pushed McGee and his chair away and continued.

 **[I had to tweak the lyrics a bit in this next verse. Original lyrics can be found at the bottom.]**

 _"Would you like a car that really goes?  
Or a guest shot on the Tonight Show  
How 'bout Hilton's new favorite beau  
You're gonna git it_

"If you want it, baby

 _"How'd you like to be a big wheel  
Dining out, for every meal  
I'm the plant that can make it all real  
You're gonna git it_

 _Hey, I'm your genie  
I'm your friend  
I'm your willing slave  
Take a chance, feed me, yeah  
You know the kinda eats  
The kinda ret-hot treats  
The kinda sticky licky sweets I crave . . ._

 _Ow! Come on, Timothy  
Don't be a putz  
Trust me and your life will surely  
Rival King Tut's  
Show a little initiative, boy  
Work up some guts  
And you'll git it"_

"I don't know," McGee said doubtfully. "Should I really do it? I'd be fired for sure."

Audrey Two started laughing, and - McGee swore this was true - started wiping at where its eyes would be with a vine. "Come on, kid. You had nothing until you met me."

"That's not exactly true," McGee started to interrupt, but the plant talked over him.

"What will it be? Money? Girls? One particular girl? How about that Abby?" Its mouth stretched into an evil grin. "Think about it. There must be someone you can innisect real quiet-like AND GET ME SOME DINNER!"

"Well--"

The plant began singing again:

"Think about a room at the Ritz  
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz  
A little nookie gonna clean up those zits"

"I don't have zits!" McGee protested, but the plant ignored him.

 _"And you'll git it . . . uh huh . . ."_

Then McGee - scarily enough - decided to get into the spirit.

 _"Gee, I'd like a Harley Machine  
Take it around like I was James Dean  
Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green!"_

 _"So, go git it! Woo, woo, woo!"_ Audrey II chimed in. He continued singing:

 _"If you wanna be profound . . .  
If you really wanna justify . . .  
Take a breath and look around . . .  
A lot of folks deserve to die . . . "_

"Whoa, Audrey Two, that's crazy!" McGee cried, clamping the carnivorous plant's trap shut.

"But it's true, isn't it?" it asked.

"NO! Well, maybe . . . But I don't know anyone who deserves to get chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!"

"Hmmm, sure you do." Audrey Two said slyly. He dragged McGee over to one of the windows. Looking outside, McGee could see a motorcycle parked across the street. Abby and her new boyfriend were in shadows. McGee couldn't hear what they were saying, but he could tell that Jake was shouting at her from his body language. They were in the shadows, but McGee could see them clearly enough. Then Jake pulled Abby close to him and raised a hand to strike her. It fell, and before he could hit her again, Abby let herself go limp. He dropped his hand to his side. Immediately, the NCIS Gothic forensic scientist drove her right knee between his legs and clawed at his face with her fingers. He loosened his hold on her and she raced away. Cursing, Jake hopped on his Harley and went after her.

McGee faced the plant and they both said/sang:

 _"If you want a rationale,  
It isn't very hard to see  
No, no, no!  
Stop and think it over pal  
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!  
The guy sure looks like plant food to me!  
The guy sure looks like plant food to me . . .!"_

McGee said, _"He's so nasty, treatin' her rough!"_

 _"Smackin' her around and always talkin' so tough!"_

 _"You need blood and he's got more than enough!"_

 _"I need blood and he's got more than enough!"_

 _"(You/I) need blood and he's got more than enough . . .!"_

"So, go GIT IT!" Audrey II exclaimed, tapping McGee on the chest with a vine. The NCIS agent had a stony look on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the proper lyrics for that one verse are:
> 
> Would you like a Cadillac car?  
> Or a guest shot on Jack Par?  
> How about a date with Heady LeMarr . . .  
> You're gonna git it
> 
> I also left out a verse that Seymour (the original character and Audrey II's owner) sang in the original, since I didn't think it was necessary. In case you couldn't tell, I changed Seymour's name in the song to the nickname Abby uses for McGee.
> 
> I do not own any of the songs that appear in here; those all belong to Howard Ashman. The song in here was "Feed Me (Git It)" from the play. As I said before, I'm probably going to be using a lot of the songs from Little Shop of Horrors. Sadly, I do not own NCIS either and am not Don Bellisario.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I did, since it's one of my favorite parts of the movie/play/musical.
> 
> Please review!
> 
> ~ Brambleshadow


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well enjoy this chapter. Warning: Contains death by OD.

The next night, after hours, McGee drove to Abby's new boyfriend's office. He had brought his gun with him just in case anything happened. Lost in thought, he almost didn't notice the office. Apparently, Jake was a private forensic pathology consultant and specialized in identifying poisons. McGee parked the car on the street and entered the office. There were several people waiting there, terrified out of their wits. The NCIS agent could hear sadistic chuckles coming from another room. Then Jake appeared in the doorway.

"Who's next?"

McGee hesitantly raised his hand. "Special Agent McGee, NCIS. I have some samples for you. We spoke yesterday."

"Ah, yes, the guy with the plant. Come on in." He disappeared from view leaving McGee to follow him. As soon as he left, everyone else scrambled out of their chairs and bolted for the door, chairs squealing on the linoleum in their haste to get the heck out of there.

"Now, what was it you wanted to show me?" Jake asked McGee. He turned around and found himself face-to-face with the barrel of a gun. "Now, kid, what'cha doing pointing that at me? What did I ever do to you?"

"Oh, it's not really me. It more or less concerns Abby." McGee tried hard to keep the anger out of his voice, but it was thinly concealed.

"Who?" Jake tried to act innocent, but failed.

"You know, Goth, hyper, talkative" - McGee's voice hardened - "your girlfriend."

"Oh. Now, about those samples . . ."

McGee handed them over. They were from a ten-year cold case, so he doubted they would be missed.

The forensic scientist bent over them and got to work. After a few minutes, "I think I'm going to need some gas for this one."

 _You're kidding me. Laughing gas, for this?_ McGee tried hard not to laugh.

" You see, I find that a little giggle gas helps me concentrate. In fact, I think I'll use my special mask for this one. Wait here a moment, McGee." He vansihed into a dark room and reappeared a moment later with something similar to a firefighter's mask on his face. "Okay, I think I've had enough. You can axphixate on this stuff, you know." He reached up to undo the strap and pulled. It came clean off. "Oh, crap." Jake pulled on the mask, trying to loosen it. When he couldn't, he begged, "McGee, help me out here. The mask is stuck."

In response, McGee aimed the gun at Jake's chest.

"Oh. I guess you're not." Jake's voice sounded odd coming from inside the mask.

McGee heard a voice inside his head saying, _Now, do it now. Just a flicker of pressure right here on the trigger and Abby won't have to put up with that pig for another day. Now, for the girl, now for the plant, now._

He mentally replied, _Yes, I will. But I can't._

The NCIS agent was jolted out of his thought by Jake saying:

 _"Don't be fooled if I should giggle  
Like a sappy happy dope  
It's just the gas"_

At that moment, a crazed laugh escaped him. He gasped, clutching his chest as he sank to his knees, and continued,

 _"It's got me high.  
But don't let that fact decieve you.  
Any moment I could die."_

There was another maniacal laugh.

 _"Though I giggle and I chortle,  
Bear in mind I'm not immortal.  
Why this whole thing strikes me funny  
I don't know  
'Cause it's really a rotten way to go."_

McGee thought to himself, _What we have here is an ethical dilemma. 'Less I help him get the mask removed he doesn't have a prayer. True, the gun was never fired, but the way things transpired I could finish him with simple laissez faire._

 _"Don't be fooled if I should chuckle  
Like heyenas in a zoo.  
It's just the gas. It turns me on.  
But don't let my mirth decieve you.  
Any moment I'll be gone."_

Jake's voice grew weaker and he slumped even lower.

 _"All my vital signs are failing  
'Cause the oxide I'm inhaling  
Makes it difficult as hell to catch my breath.  
Are you dumb or heard of hearing  
Or relieved my end is nearing?  
Are you satisfied? I've laughed myself to -"_

Upon those last words, he collapsed and didn't move.

"Death?" McGee finished for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song I used in this chapter is "Now (It's Just the Gas) from Little Shop of Horrors. In the play, Seymour (he's kinda like McGee in this fanfic) goes to Orin's dental office (Orin is a sadistic dentist) to feed him to Audrey II and free Audrey from her abusive relationship. Orin uses laughing gas to increase his pleasure in inflicting pain in his patients. He uses tools used for woodworking, such as wrenches and drills - that happen to be dull and rusty. The original scene goes something like this:
> 
>  _Orin searched for the driil in his toolbox. "Now, let's get to work on your mouth, Seymour." He found it and pulled it out._
> 
>  _Seymour flinched. "Uh, no. Aren't you going to give me novicane for that?"_
> 
>  _"What for? It dulls the senses." Orin was now searching for the proper bit._
> 
>  _"But, it'll hurt."_
> 
>  _"Only 'til you pass out."_
> 
>  _"Pass out?" Seymour gulped._
> 
>  _Orin walked over and started the drill. It whirred to life._
> 
>  _"But, it's rusty."_
> 
>  _Irratibly, Orin switched it off and stroked it lovingly. "They don't make antiques like this anymore, Seymour. Painful. Rusty. Dull!" He started it up again. Seymour scrambled back in the dentist's chair as far as he could._
> 
>  _Suddenly, Orin paused, turned the drill off, and set it down. "You know, I think I'm going to need some gas."_
> 
>  _"Oh, thank you!" Seymour cried in relief. "I thought you were never going to offer me any!"_
> 
>  _"This isn't for you, Seymour. It's for me. You see, I find a little giggle gas before we begin increases my pleasure immensely."_
> 
> And you know the rest. Well, please review and let me know what you think. It makes me very happy when you do!


End file.
